Post-exchange...one month hence
So....
It's been one month since I've been back in Canada.
Do I miss France? Sometimes...
But then sometimes I regret the whole thing.
*gasp*
Sorry, but there are just some things that seem so tragic to have been sacrificed for this ridiculous exchange... At times I feel that there were more losses than gains in having left.
Yeah yeah, there was all that self-discovery bullshit, but really, I've had enough of discovering how stupid and spineless and weak I am.
For all the money spent, for all the friendships that suffered, for all the bridges burned, for all the relationships that died, for all the abuse my body took, for all the things I didn't learn, for all the mistakes I made....it's often hard to see where the positive lies.
My school in France hasn't sent over my marks, so I can't apply for scholarships or anything...essentially Ottawa U has no record of me passing my classes this past year...
Secondly, I asked the French bank I had an account with to transfer my money to my Canadian count, which - after a month - they still haven't done... And my account was supposed to close by the end of June... So, goodbye money.
Okay, so I guess those are the two biggest peeves I have on my mind about the exchange... I suppose if they sorted themselves out that I might feel better about it... It would stop me from feeling so powerless to "the system" or "the man" or "the world". I did everything I was supposed to do to get my marks, and to get my money, but it just hasn't happened yet, so I'm feeling sorta helpless.
That would explain the dream I had last night where my teeth started to fall out. Like, my front eight teeth, top and bottom... I could feel them wiggle around, and I tasted the blood and felt the roots tear as I pulled them out. Anyway, apparently dreams like that have to do with feeling powerless and insecure. Makes a certain degree of sense.
I also had a dream about taking care of tadpoles and frogs a little while ago, a dream which apparently will "lead you to a meeting with what you find difficult or repulsive in life and yourself, which if you can accept transforms into personal potential and power". Yeah, still haven't quite come to terms with that yet.
There's a lot I have yet to come to terms with....
Immediately, what keeps me from regretting going away is the fact I met some incredible people over there...many of whom I hope to keep in contact with. I can give you five reasons right now why going to France was great: Laurence, Celine, Tom, Gabriel, Myriam... BAM! And there are many others...
The positive aspects will unfold as time goes on... in this I have confidence. It's difficult to see now because my life completely jumped its tracks when I left. It's on a different route and my current unhappiness is due to the fact that I don't know if that change in direction was at all necessary or wise. Most things up until now in my life have followed a certain pattern whereby each meeting, each decision, each fight, each pain suffered, each heartbreak, has made a large degree of sense and has taught me something valuable.... this one hasn't at all settled into that pattern yet, so the lessons are more obscure. All in due time, I suppose.
What can I tell you? The truth is, there are things there I will miss, and things there that I won't... just like it is at home in Oshawa, and at school/home#2 in Ottawa. There's no place in the world that can cure me of who I am... but there are some places that can show me who I don't want to be, and also who I do. But it's up to me to be that person...
Anyway, this blog is turning into a sleeve with a major heart-on, so I'd better go sleep before I continue making a fool of myself. Oh Emily, will you ever learn?
It's been one month since I've been back in Canada.
Do I miss France? Sometimes...
But then sometimes I regret the whole thing.
*gasp*
Sorry, but there are just some things that seem so tragic to have been sacrificed for this ridiculous exchange... At times I feel that there were more losses than gains in having left.
Yeah yeah, there was all that self-discovery bullshit, but really, I've had enough of discovering how stupid and spineless and weak I am.
For all the money spent, for all the friendships that suffered, for all the bridges burned, for all the relationships that died, for all the abuse my body took, for all the things I didn't learn, for all the mistakes I made....it's often hard to see where the positive lies.
My school in France hasn't sent over my marks, so I can't apply for scholarships or anything...essentially Ottawa U has no record of me passing my classes this past year...
Secondly, I asked the French bank I had an account with to transfer my money to my Canadian count, which - after a month - they still haven't done... And my account was supposed to close by the end of June... So, goodbye money.
Okay, so I guess those are the two biggest peeves I have on my mind about the exchange... I suppose if they sorted themselves out that I might feel better about it... It would stop me from feeling so powerless to "the system" or "the man" or "the world". I did everything I was supposed to do to get my marks, and to get my money, but it just hasn't happened yet, so I'm feeling sorta helpless.
That would explain the dream I had last night where my teeth started to fall out. Like, my front eight teeth, top and bottom... I could feel them wiggle around, and I tasted the blood and felt the roots tear as I pulled them out. Anyway, apparently dreams like that have to do with feeling powerless and insecure. Makes a certain degree of sense.
I also had a dream about taking care of tadpoles and frogs a little while ago, a dream which apparently will "lead you to a meeting with what you find difficult or repulsive in life and yourself, which if you can accept transforms into personal potential and power". Yeah, still haven't quite come to terms with that yet.
There's a lot I have yet to come to terms with....
Immediately, what keeps me from regretting going away is the fact I met some incredible people over there...many of whom I hope to keep in contact with. I can give you five reasons right now why going to France was great: Laurence, Celine, Tom, Gabriel, Myriam... BAM! And there are many others...
The positive aspects will unfold as time goes on... in this I have confidence. It's difficult to see now because my life completely jumped its tracks when I left. It's on a different route and my current unhappiness is due to the fact that I don't know if that change in direction was at all necessary or wise. Most things up until now in my life have followed a certain pattern whereby each meeting, each decision, each fight, each pain suffered, each heartbreak, has made a large degree of sense and has taught me something valuable.... this one hasn't at all settled into that pattern yet, so the lessons are more obscure. All in due time, I suppose.
What can I tell you? The truth is, there are things there I will miss, and things there that I won't... just like it is at home in Oshawa, and at school/home#2 in Ottawa. There's no place in the world that can cure me of who I am... but there are some places that can show me who I don't want to be, and also who I do. But it's up to me to be that person...
Anyway, this blog is turning into a sleeve with a major heart-on, so I'd better go sleep before I continue making a fool of myself. Oh Emily, will you ever learn?
posted by Emily at 10:17 p.m.
2 Comments:
That's a really freaky dream... :(
Wow... did you ever get that stuff sorted out with the bank? (I'm guessing you eventually got your marks since you're in school this year.)
"There's no place in the world that can cure me of who I am" -It's true that you can't run away from your shadow, but (though I'm an outsider) I'd say who you are is nothing in need of a cure. I think you're great (far from "stupid and spineless and weak"!). We all have our weak moments; they are what make us human, and after they pass we hopefully extract some new kind of knowledge from the experience and become stronger for it.
I wish I could have been more there for you while you were in France. I'm here now though.
(p.s. I realise this 2 cents comes several months late.. I'm behind in my reading, my apologies!)
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